Dr. Marie Land LLC | Washington DC Psychologist | Dupont Circle Therapist

Oh, there are so many reasons! I’ll begin to address a few here. First, let me say that many people define how much they  love/feel for someone by the amount of “space” in their brain that is taken up with thoughts of him/her. Consider your past relationships when you were really “in-love.” Whatever that means. If you're worried that you were more in-love in a past relationship compared to your current one, you can probably recall that you thought a lot about this person. Fear not, it doesn’t necessarily mean what you think it does. WHAT DO THOUGHTS “REALLY MEAN?”

In the context of relationships, thoughts can mean many less-than-desirable types of things. Take the issue of your needs not being met. We often think about situations and people that we are trying to understand. Hmmm….funny how after a certain amount of time that speed of insight and understanding slows down to a turtle’s pace (not super productive). If you’re thinking of a person excessively, consider that you may be trying to avoid a negative feeling.


Two things that often keep people in the cycle of thinking are the search for excitement and safety. When your mind goes back to the same exact thing (or image…some people just imagine some picture of the past or future with the person) it may be because of your (or your brain’s need) need for excitement/thrill or safety/comfort. Not so different than a rat pushing a lever for a treat (or a feel-good drug). Also not surprising, people sometimes feel that each relationship is heavy in one area (either in excitement or safety), and choose the next relationship based on whether or not that dynamic was desirable. Figure out what it is that you’re seeking (or getting) with those thoughts. What do they provide you with, if even for a moment? Is it avoidance of some type of anxiety, loneliness, or escape from boredom? Which need are you and your brain trying to meet around the corner through excessive thinking? Excitement or safety?