I’m not going to give you the generic advice about texting. That it’s not real intimacy. That you can’t really tell anything from texting. Okay, I sort of want to tell you that but I’m not going to because it’s just not realistic. It’s difficult enough to find ways to communicate and connect romantically, I’m not going to try to limit your options.


Continuity and consistency. These are two words to keep in mind when looking at what you’re learning from your texting interactions. Any one text exchange (i.e., late at night/aka a lonely time for many, or after drinking) is not really meaningful. Patterns of texting (i.e., consistently flirtatious or sincerely trying to get to know you day in and day out) mean something. At the very least, a desire for an increase in connection. If that reaches beyond technology there’s only one way to find out.


If you’re not actually seeing this person in real life, then we have other things to address. I’m assuming that you are seeing this person in real life in addition to texting them. There is often a serious disconnect between the way people interact via text and in person. Similar to the logic some say about drinking (that “true” feelings come out when drinking), texting has been described as being a way to express things that are anxiety provoking or scary in person. There is less vulnerability through texting and sometimes, yes, that’s a great thing! However, if your end goal is increasing a connection with someone then bridging the gap between texting and reality is best started subtly but regularly. In a non-creepy way, reference something you “talked about” via texted. Some light-hearted mention of something he said will do just fine. If he’s clueless and doesn’t take the bait, then there may be reason to be a little cautious about his own sense and desire for bridging the text-real life gap. It’s going to take a little initiating on your part to get a sense of what the real text-to-reality ratio is. The most important thing to watch out for is someone who does not have the capacity to discuss the more significant "text topics" when face-to-face. If that’s the case then you have to be real….that perhaps he’s not real.